Post 102: A Reminder About Being a “Fighter”

“He’s been an inspiration to all of us,” the son Alex said about his dad, Mr. N., lying in the hospital bed, “He was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer just last year. It was when he had to have some of his colon removed because of a blockage.  It wouldn’t heal for months, but my dad kept up his spirits.  He did his physical therapy exercises.  He went to all of his appointments.  He’s been doing okay!”

“You mentioned things started to really change four months ago.  What happened?” I asked during our initial palliative care family meeting (read Post 1: What Exactly Does a Palliative Care Specialist Do?).

“Well, a month or so after we finally started the cancer therapy to kill the cancer cells that had metastasized, the wound opened up again and started draining, like, a lot.  And Dad got a little discouraged.  I think that’s why he started spending more time in bed.”

I turned towards Mr. N. and asked, “So what have you been told so far by the doctors here in the hospital?”

Mr. N. cleared his throat and quietly replied, “The oncologist that came in the other day said maybe the CT scan results are due to inflammation from the cancer therapy rather than more cancer spreading. So yeah, he told me once this infection is under control, I can get more cancer therapy and then he’ll do another scan in a couple months.”

“How did you feel about that?” I asked.

“Pretty good, I guess.  It sounds like a reasonable plan,” Mr. N. replied with a small shrug.

Alex added, “Dad’s a fighter.  He’s encouraged by what the oncologist said, and he says he's going to keep up his exercises and do everything the doctors tell him to do because he’s hopeful.  He's hopeful that the CT scan in a couple months will show good results.”

I glanced at Mr. N., who nodded to Alex’s statements. 

“Like I said,” Alex went on, “Dad’s a fighter.  He sets a goal, accomplishes it, then sets the next goal.  He keeps setting goals and conquering them.  Right, Dad?”

“Yeah,” Mr. N. replied, “That’s how I cope.  I set small goals and achieve them, and over time, they become bigger goals that I achieve  (read Post 72: A Sense of Purpose – 3 Suggestions for Regaining It When Illness Has Taken It Away)."

I pondered what to say next, wanting to express practical support.  “From what I’ve heard so far, Mr. N., you sound like a strong, goal-oriented person, and it's awesome that you have a strong coping mechanism, setting achievable goals for yourself to fight to accomplish.  That requires a lot of resiliency.”

Mr. N. nodded.

Keeping eye contact with Mr. N., I mentioned, “Just a gentle reminder from the many patients I’ve seen is that sometimes, we can do all the right things, work really hard with our exercises and nutrition, and really ‘fight’ to be strong, and still, things can happen that’s out of our control... Cancer might grow anyway...  We might get infections that require cancer treatments to be put on pause again and again...  The body might not cooperate and get weaker despite physical therapy...  If anything like this happens despite your best efforts, things outside your control, remember that it’s not because you didn’t ‘fight’ hard enough or did anything wrong -”

Alex jumped in, “- that’s right, Dad. That’s right.  If anything were to happen, we know it wouldn’t be because you did anything wrong or didn’t do enough.  You know that, right?”

Mr. N. looked towards his son and nodded, and Alex leaned back in his chair.

“And remember, Mr. N., people can change what they’re fighting for at any time.  Sometimes, it’s fighting for more years.  Sometimes, it’s fighting to get a little stronger.  Sometimes, it’s fighting to spend the remaining time one has with family, at home, and not in an institution like the hospital (read Post 46: How Being a “Fighter” Can Alter Your Path and Post 89: The Evolution of Goals)."

Mr. N. nodded his acknowledgement, this time more slowly, and said, “Okay.”

“That’s right, Dad,” Alex repeated, “Whatever you decide to fight for, we’ll support.   Whatever it is.  Even if you ever wanted to stop the cancer therapies and stay with us at home, that would be okay (read Post 61: The “Supportive Family” – Two Perspectives on Support)."

Mr. N. reassured his son, “Okay, but that’s not now.  I’ve still got some strength in me!”

Alex chuckled in relief, “Yeah, you do.” 

He turned towards me, “You know, I didn’t know what we were going to talk about today, but this was okay.  I thought it’d be scary, but it wasn’t.  It was a good meeting. Thanks, thanks a lot.”